Tag: blogging

Lest We Forget

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh, Stuff, Recipes

Anzac Day. It’s a national day of remembrance held every year on April 25th

It stands for the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps And commemorates all the Australian and New Zealanders who served and died in all wars, conflicts and peace keeping missions and was originally devised to honour those who had served in the Gallipoli Campaign, the first engagement of World War 1. (1914-1918)

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

We made it to the Dawn Service this year—so it feels like the perfect time to share a recipe for Anzac biscuits. And yes, biscuit, not cookie.

ingredients

  • 1 cup plain flour
  • 1 cup rolled oats
  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup coconut
  • 125 g butter
  • 2 tbs golden syrup
  • 1 tbs water
  • 1/2 tsp bicarbonate of soda

method

  1. Sift the flour into a bowl. Add sugar, rolled oats and coconut.
  2. Melt butter in a saucepan, then add golden syrup and water.
  3. Stir the bicarbonate of soda into the liquid mixture.
  4. Add liquid to the dry ingredients and mix thoroughly.
  5. Place walnut-sized balls of mixture on a greased tray and bake at 170 degrees Celsius for 12 minutes.
  6. Biscuits will harden once cool.

For those of you reading this blog post and thinking: but I don’t have/can’t get my hands on any golden syrup there are substitutes, like honey, corn syrup and molasses.

Click here for more information about those substitutes and others that you can use in place of golden syrup.

DANDELIONS Is Live

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh

There’s something terrifying about release day.

For years, this story lived quietly with me — in messy drafts, late-night notes, and the stubborn voice of a girl who refused to be softened.

Today, she belongs to you.

And there’s a strange moment when a book stops being something you’re shaping and becomes something that exists without you.

Drafts, edits, proofs — all the versions where it still feels like it belongs to you.

And then suddenly, it doesn’t.

When I first imagined Scarlett, I didn’t start with magic.

I started with a question:

What if your mother was fey and your father was a wolf shifter?

What would that make you?

Not fully fey.
Not fully wolf.
Not fully welcome in either world.

And then there was the image I couldn’t shake — a dandelion pushing up through pavement.

Because that’s the heart of this story.

Something that should not have survived… growing anyway.

No softness. No permission. Just life forcing its way through what was meant to hold it down.

Scarlett was never meant to be a pawn.

She was shaped instead by grief, trauma, and a childhood that ended too early.

Magic didn’t save her.

It complicated everything.

It sharpened what was already there — anger, doubt, and a need to survive on her own terms.

Writing her became about more than a girl navigating two worlds.

It became about choice. About agency. About what it means to exist in a life that tries to define you before you even understand yourself.

And survival, for Scarlett, comes down to one moment.

The night she pulled the trigger on the man who raised her.

The world called it murder.

She called it survival.

After that, there is no version of her story that goes quietly.

Juvenile detention should have been the end of it.
A place where everything narrowed down until there was nothing left.

But what came after doesn’t care what she has already endured.

Not when wolves and fae were never meant to mix.

Not when Ash Grayson is still there — the boy who was meant to keep her safe.

Now he watches her like something slipping out of reach, carrying guilt he can’t put down.

But Scarlett doesn’t belong to anyone anymore.

Not the courts.
Not the pack.
Not him.

Because what she’s learned is not how to survive.

It’s how to stay standing when survival is no longer enough.

DANDELIONS is about resilience.

About what grows in places it was never meant to survive.
About what pushes through anyway — through cracks, through pressure, through everything built to keep it down.

I called it Dandelions because that’s what this story is.

Something that refuses to stay gone.

Something that always comes back.

Thank you for being here on release day.

Thank you for stepping back into the Eldritch Universe with me, where wild things are blooming.

AVAILABLE NOW!

Follow Friday

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh

✨ Let’s do a #FollowFriday ✨

But… I’m putting my own spin on it.

If you live and breathe paranormal romance, speculative fiction, or fantasy — come say hi. Drop your links, plug your latest project, tell me what you’re working on.

I’m here to follow, share, connect.

I’m a paranormal romance author with a soft spot for witches, fangs, and all things that go bump in the night. If that’s your vibe too, let’s link up.

🔮 Follow me here and on socials
🖤 Leave a comment with your blog or page
🌕 I’ll follow you back and check out your work

Let’s grow our little coven of creatives. Who’s in?

Follow Me on Facebook

Follow Me on Instagram

Follow Me on Twitter

St. Patrick’s Day, Snakes, and Irish Mythology

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh

St. Patrick’s Day rolls around every year and suddenly everything turns green.

Shamrocks. Hats. Rivers. Beer.

And if you’ve spent any time reading Irish mythology—or writing it like I have—you start noticing something interesting.

The stories people know about Ireland?

They aren’t always the real ones.

Take the famous legend: St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland.

Great story.

Except Ireland never actually had snakes.

None.

Which means the story probably wasn’t about snakes at all.

Most historians believe the “snakes” were symbolic. A way of talking about the older pagan beliefs of Ireland fading as Christianity spread across the country.

Now whether that’s completely true or not…

That’s a debate for historians.

But here’s the interesting part.

Ireland never actually lost its mythology.

It just learned to live beside Christianity.

Ireland Did Something Different

Look at the history and you’ll see it.

Holy wells that used to belong to old gods suddenly connected to saints.

Ancient sacred sites with churches built right on top of them.

Stories about the Sídhe and the fae that people still whisper about… even while going to Mass on Sunday.

Ireland didn’t erase its mythology.

It layered it.

And honestly?

That’s part of what hooked me.

Why Irish Mythology Shows Up in My Writing

If you’ve read the Eldritch series, you’ve probably noticed something.

Irish mythology is everywhere in it.

That wasn’t originally the plan.

But once I started digging into Celtic folklore, I got stuck there.

The fae.

The courts.

The strange overlap between the human world and the Otherworld.

It’s perfect for paranormal romance.

Because the whole genre runs on one simple question.

What if?

What if the stories weren’t just stories?

What if the things whispered in old folklore never actually disappeared?

And what happens when someone human ends up caught in the middle of it?

Zooey’s Problem

Zooey—the main character in the Eldritch series—grew up Irish Catholic.

Her dad made sure of that.

Faith. Structure. Rules.

But Irish culture has always had this strange duality.

Religion on one side.

Folklore on the other.

And sometimes the two overlap in ways that get… messy.

You can grow up believing in saints.

And still know not to mess with certain hills.

Zooey lives right in that space.

Between what she was raised to believe and the reality of a world that’s a lot older—and a lot stranger—than she ever imagined.

And once that door opens?

There’s no closing it again.

The Thing About Irish Stories

Irish mythology has always leaned a little darker.

The fae aren’t cute.

They’re dangerous.

Deals have consequences.

And love stories?

Well…

They tend to get complicated.

Which makes them perfect for paranormal romance.

Because the best stories happen when the human world and the supernatural world collide.

Preferably in the worst possible way.

If you want to see what that collision looks like in the Eldritch world, you can start here:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09DZ5SRFP

Just don’t blame me if you start looking at Irish folklore a little differently afterwards.

Follow Friday

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh

✨ Let’s do a #FollowFriday ✨

But… I’m putting my own spin on it.

If you live and breathe paranormal romance, speculative fiction, or fantasy — come say hi. Drop your links, plug your latest project, tell me what you’re working on.

I’m here to follow, share, connect.

I’m a paranormal romance author with a soft spot for witches, fangs, and all things that go bump in the night. If that’s your vibe too, let’s link up.

🔮 Follow me here and on socials
🖤 Leave a comment with your blog or page
🌕 I’ll follow you back and check out your work

Let’s grow our little coven of creatives. Who’s in?

Follow Me on Facebook

Follow Me on Instagram

Follow Me on Twitter

March Magic (And… Two Bookish Treats You Don’t Want to Miss!)

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh

If your TBR pile isn’t tall enough already, I’m about to make it worse (you’re welcome 😄).

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been in a full-on escape into another world mood lately. The real world? Overrated.

Give me magic, danger, romance, and a little supernatural chaos any day.

So of course I went hunting for new reads… and I have these to share with you.

If you love paranormal romance, fantasy worlds, magical adventures, or bingeable box sets, keep reading.

This first one is basically a treasure trove if you’re into witches, shifters, vampires, fae, sci-fi romance — all the good stuff.

You can browse all the featured titles here and…
BUY THEM NOW!

Now if you’re less of a sampler and more of a “hand me the whole series so I can disappear for three days” reader… this one’s for you.

There’s something deeply satisfying about downloading an entire series at once. No cliffhanger wait. No “Book 2 releases next year” heartbreak. Just story after story ready to go.

You can browse all the featured titles here and…
BUY THEM NOW!

Clear your schedule accordingly and happy reading!

 

 

New Year’s Resolutions 2026

Posted on by staceyjaine in Indie Author, Stacey Jaine McIntosh, Updates, Writing

D08C5F92-B93F-4E5A-BCC6-B626512D73A7

Every year, I set goals. And every year… I don’t quite get there.

Not because I don’t want it enough. Not because I don’t care. But because life gets loud, priorities shift, and somewhere between intention and execution, I drop the thread.

But this year—this coming year—I want things to be different. Not louder. Not bigger. Just… steadier. Kinder. More intentional. I want habits that fit my life rather than swallow it whole.

So here we are, December 31, 2025, and I’m writing this down so Future Me has both a promise and a reminder. (Future Me, if you’re reading this, hi. I hope you’re smiling. And if not, that’s okay—we start again.)

So what are my resolutions for 2026?

  1. Write Daily

Not 10,000 words. Not an impossible schedule.

Just show up every day.

Some days that might mean a scene. Some days it might be a paragraph. Some days it might simply be giving myself permission to open the document and reconnect with the story. I’ve spent past years trying to sprint. This year, I’m choosing consistency over intensity. Because small steps add up. Because creativity isn’t a punishment. And because stories deserve to be written with love, not guilt.

  1. Blog Monthly

Not weekly, maybe once every three weeks to once a month—intentionally, meaningfully.

I want my blog to be a place that feels alive, not like a chore I remember only when I’m too tired to do it justice. Once a month feels achievable and sustainable. I want to talk writing, books, creativity, life, the messy bits, the magical bits—whatever feels worth sharing. If there’s something you’d love me to write about, tell me. Let’s make it a conversation instead of a monologue.

  1. Read More

Reading fills the creative well. It reminds me why I fell in love with stories in the first place. I want to read for joy, for comfort, for curiosity, for learning—without guilt, without pressure, without turning it into another checkbox task. Just me, stories, and the quiet magic of turning pages.

So that’s it. Simple. Honest. Achievable.

Nothing flashy. Nothing dramatic. Just commitments grounded in who I am and who I’d like to become.

Here’s to 2026 being the year of doing the thing.

Here’s to words written, blogs posted, books read.

Here’s to growth that feels sustainable.

Here’s to showing up.

And yes—Future Me, please come back and read this. I hope we did ourselves proud. If not? We’ll try again.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh, Stuff

Background info can be found RIGHT HERE

I want to preface this post by saying it’s taken me over week to put my thoughts into some semblance of order. And right now, I’m feeling too much at once, and I don’t know what to do with it. Because I’m pretty sure everyone is sick of me by now. So, I’ll retreat into my head, into the quiet… except its not really quiet. It’s full of every little thing I’m currently overthinking. So… to stop that, I’ll pick up the thread of the latest story I’m working on… this isn’t new. This isn’t… oh Stacey’s got her NICU records and is being dramatic again. Nope. I’ve done this my entire life. You just don’t see it. I made up stories. Wrote them down. Retreated into books long before that. Read Alice in Wonderland cover to cover far too many times and Oliver Twist. I still hate Wind in the Willows, But I still have that book. I’ve known since I was a teenager that writing was a coping mechanism. I just didn’t have all the pieces as to why it was a coping mechanism. 

Which is kinda where the NICU records come in. Sure they were totally to help understand where the cyst fit in. They really were. Because, that really hasn’t been fun to navigate over the past eighteen months. Only problem was, I wasn’t expecting everything else. I really wasn’t. The universe sure does have a twisted sense of timing though. That… or maybe there really is someone looking out for me. It’s too early in the emotional jet lag to say thank you. I still want to rage. I’m not doing crying and I want to really really want to kick something… or someone.

I still don’t get how I survived it. I mean, I do. Medical intervention is a hell of a thing. But a Grade 4 IVH? Come on… I don’t get it. How!?

I can’t remember if luck was ever thrown around when I was younger. God, I know I used to throw it around with my daughter. No brain bleed in her case. She got steroids (I didn’t). She still got ROP though, I think. And she wasn’t a menace like I was. Or was it trouble. Either way. “Her brain is fine.” Noel’s words not mine. 

It’s strange how the past finds you just when you’re trying to make sense of the present.

I knew it was bad. I heard how I was “special” growing up. How the doctor’s didn’t know why I came early. Lie. My mum had a bleed one week prior to me being born. She probably had a placental abruption and started contracting and they couldn’t stop the contractions, much like my daughter. Redacted file. The doctors knew. I’m sure of it. There’s always a reason.

I don’t get why it’s such a shock honestly. I mean, a part of me does. Because, I’m not sure I should be here and I don’t know how to reconcile that with the fact that I am here.

Because I didn’t just survive a Grade 4 brain bleed. I survived sepsis, a bilateral pneumothorax, anaemia, seizures, PDA, blood transfusions, dehydration, metabolic acidosis, HMD (or RDS), and Grade 1 ROP. I survived.

But then I got to the part where some of my child development reports were included, and the past caught up with me in double time. The doctors seemed to rule out cerebral palsy for a while, but the fact I have “mild cerebral palsy” now must mean they settled on it. I don’t know what tipped the scales in the end. At one point I was about 12 months behind in my development. My mother never let go of the possibility of me contracting AIDS, from the blood transfusions I had to have despite reassurance from the doctors, nor the fact that the doctors noted borderline retardation. I think she died thinking I was stupid, and I both resent and hate her for that. I’ve carried that my entire life. I’ve hid from that my entire life. Is it any surprise I turned to writing and stories and prefer to get lost in the worlds and people I made up in my head? It was hurtful enough being called pathetic and stupid growing up when she was drunk. I could almost excuse it. But I’ve learnt a far bit since she died, and you know what, maybe I don’t forgive her, and maybe I’m okay with that. Or at least I will be eventually. What’s that saying? Information is power?

I think that’s what’s hit me the most: seeing her “concerns” on paper, seeing the doctors write that despite the odds, it could have been worse. I survived. My brain rewired itself. I guess that’s one way to put it. Sitting here, looking back over everything. Going down a massive rabbit hole, the pieces are starting to fit. It’s ticking boxes I honestly didn’t see before. All my life I’ve always been able to explain away my personality as a premmie thing or a CP thing. I knew I was weird and awkward and shy. I was bullied because of my disability. My grades suffered because I was premature. Because of developmental delays etc. But what if it’s not just that? There’s other things. Stuff that doesn’t always get picked up. Things like walking into work and not verbally saying anything. In my own defense it’s a busy call center and I didn’t want to interrupt but in proper social circles that’s actually rude. Yeah um… oops. Don’t worry, I greeted everyone in chat. (lol) Maybe that’s why my granddad always greeted me whenever I walked into his house, without expecting me to say anything first. But if it’s not the social norm… then maybe what I’m dealing with is autism and adhd and because it was the 80s and I was so very very prem and so sick and a girl it all got missed.

So… that’s where I’m at. The rabbit role kinda stops and loops back on itself from here and its maddening. I don’t know how to get comfortable with it. Any of it. Not my disability. How do you stop running from who you are when it’s all you’ve done your entire life? No answers. Only puzzle pieces that are starting to fit, but still leave me feeling like I’m just the quirky girl who’d rather be reading or losing herself in stories of her own making and gets mad when she can’t. Deep down I’m still me. I believe that. But my ability to overthink and hyperfixate and just straight up dwell are going to be at war with with for a while. I can feel it. I need an adultier adult. Somebody send help, because, I’m going to need it… and if you think you’re sick of me now… haha… please don’t unfollow me.

And as for all things migraines… the neurologist doesn’t think the migraines are epilepsy or seizure-related. Which might be a relief if the meds I was prescribed would actually work. Since I’ve been tracking my migraines by way of an app, I’ve had a persistent migraine for over four days. I tried to tell the neurologist they don’t go away, that they are with me pretty much constantly. I guess this will show him. It’s hard to be upbeat when the week ends on a pain spike. Which is ironically where it started.

Was I hoping for some kind of magic wand? No? But I was hoping for meds that would give me a bit more relief. Yes. The combined effect of Panadol, Topamax, Propranolol, and Imigran have managed to either make the pain worse or keep it at it’s current levels. And all I want is for it to stop completely. 

–

New Month, New Magic: November Reads to Enchant You

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh

Calling all lovers of paranormal, fantasy, and sci‑fi romance! Dive into a vast collection of discounted gems with this bundle. It’s the perfect time to refresh your TBR list.

Whether you’re craving fey courts, dragon shifters, star-crossed lovers, or cosmic seductions, this sale has something for every romance reader. From bestselling authors to fresh voices, all wrapped up in a limited-time deal you don’t want to miss. Click the link, browse the list, snag your next obsession, and let the world of magic, passion, and otherworldly adventures sweep you away.

Click Here!

If you’re looking for something a little darker and haunting, don’t miss this anthology from Iron Faerie Publishing. Step into a world where magic, myth, and the unknown collide. This collection brings together four distinctive voices—Andrea L. Staum, L.J. Wynn, Lorah Jaiyn, and Lyndsey Ellis-Holloway—each weaving stories that linger long after the final page. Originally crafted for an Iron Faerie writing competition, these winning tales span science fiction, fantasy, horror, and romance, featuring demons, gargoyles, witches, and even the Inuit Qallupilluit.

Click Here!

And if dark romance and fey intrigue are more your speed, prepare to be swept into The Camelot Series: The Complete Trilogy. In this world, magic runs deep—and the legends bleed darker.

In Le Fay, young Morgan Le Fay’s only companions are a black cat named Merlin and the imaginary friend she conjures to keep the shadows at bay. But Arthur Pendragon is no figment of her imagination. Trapped in a long-forgotten crystal cave, Morgan must face chilling truths: the legends are real, and far deadlier than she ever imagined.

Morrighan follows Morgan years later, now grown and wielding dark power bestowed by the Morrighan herself. As vengeance calls and Camelot teeters on the edge of ruin, Morgan must decide whether to let prophecy run its course or defy fate itself.

Finally, in Pendragon, Mordred—son of Morgan and Arthur—faces the weight of destiny. Born into magic and betrayal, his path could destroy Camelot… or perhaps it could finally break the cycle.

Click Here!

Follow Friday

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh

✨ Let’s do a #FollowFriday ✨

But… I’m putting my own spin on it.

If you live and breathe paranormal romance, speculative fiction, or fantasy — come say hi. Drop your links, plug your latest project, tell me what you’re working on.

I’m here to follow, share, connect.

I’m a paranormal romance author with a soft spot for witches, fangs, and all things that go bump in the night. If that’s your vibe too, let’s link up.

🔮 Follow me here and on socials
🖤 Leave a comment with your blog or page
🌕 I’ll follow you back and check out your work

Let’s grow our little coven of creatives. Who’s in?

Follow Me on Facebook

Follow Me on Instagram

Follow Me on Twitter

Craving Something Dark & Romantic? These Deals Are Sinfully Good

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh

There’s something about a love that walks through shadows.
The kind whispered in graveyards. The kind that tastes like blood and ash and still feels like home. Whether it’s witches who fall for cursed hunters, vampires who ache for redemption, or ghostly lovers who won’t let go — these are the romances that linger.

And right now, you can indulge your dark side without burning your wallet.

From haunted castles and ancient curses to forbidden fates and seductive strangers, these stories are packed with:

✨ Dark magic
✨ Dangerous love
✨ Supernatural suspense
✨ And just enough heat to keep you up at night…

✨ Don’t miss:
🖤 The Winter Princess — Book One of The Eldritch Series
Step into Arcadia where nothing is as it seems…

Check it out now! https://books.bookfunnel.com/DiscountBooks99/g00ox1yxs7

But don’t wait — these dark delights vanish soon.

Follow Friday

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh

✨ Let’s do a #FollowFriday ✨

But… I’m putting my own spin on it.

If you live and breathe paranormal romance, speculative fiction, or fantasy — come say hi. Drop your links, plug your latest project, tell me what you’re working on.

I’m here to follow, share, connect.

I’m a paranormal romance author with a soft spot for witches, fangs, and all things that go bump in the night. If that’s your vibe too, let’s link up.

🔮 Follow me here and on socials
🖤 Leave a comment with your blog or page
🌕 I’ll follow you back and check out your work

Let’s grow our little coven of creatives. Who’s in?

Follow Me on Facebook

Follow Me on Instagram

Follow Me on Twitter

Follow Friday

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh

✨ Let’s do a #FollowFriday ✨

But… I’m putting my own spin on it.

If you live and breathe paranormal romance, speculative fiction, or fantasy — come say hi. Drop your links, plug your latest project, tell me what you’re working on.

I’m here to follow, share, connect.

I’m a paranormal romance author with a soft spot for witches, fangs, and all things that go bump in the night. If that’s your vibe too, let’s link up.

🔮 Follow me here and on socials
🖤 Leave a comment with your blog or page
🌕 I’ll follow you back and check out your work

Let’s grow our little coven of creatives. Who’s in?

Follow Me on Facebook

Follow Me on Instagram

Follow Me on Twitter

A Stitch In Time Saves Nine

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh

Today, I said goodbye to my nanna.

She was 93 — a woman of quiet strength, deep love, and a lifelong passion to create in her own way. She was never without her knitting, and was forever making us clothes.

She supported my writing from the very beginning, always encouraging my love of books, of storytelling, of living with one foot in this world and one in the other.

She was the kind of person who never needed the spotlight to make a difference. Her belief in me never wavered, not when I scribbled in notebooks as a kid, not when I started chasing publication, not when I doubted myself.

So today, as I grieve her loss, I find myself thinking about the seasons and not just the cooler weather here in Australia, but the shifting seasons of life. Autumn has always felt to me like a time for remembering, for reflection, and for honouring the stories that shape us.

Which brings me, gently, to the Celtic Spring Book Fair — a celebration of fantasy, folklore, and myth that feels especially poignant now. Though it’s spring in the Northern Hemisphere, it feels right to share it from here in the south, as we move into the stillness of autumn. After all, stories connect us across seasons, across oceans, across generations.

If you’re in need of something magical — something to curl up with as the nights grow long — you’ll find it in this collection. There’s beauty, bravery, and otherworldly wonder in every page.

🍂Visit the Celtic Spring Book Fair Here!

This one is for my nanna.

For the woman who nurtured my love of reading, who read me Beatrix Potter and countless Disney Classics, and who taught me to believe in Happily Ever After.

I will carry you with me always, in every story, in every page.

Surely goodness and mercy followed you all the days of your life and now, may you rest in peace and light.

Gravity

Posted on by staceyjaine in Stacey Jaine McIntosh, Stuff

flat1000x1000075f-u12Background info can be found RIGHT HERE

Ha! We’re not done yet. Not even close. I’m not going to rehash what’s happened in the almost 6 months since I last commented on the hell that is this shit show. It’s fucked… 100% fucked. I don’t even have enough curse words, I’m so angry.

Okay, the anger hasn’t really gone away. It simmers, sits in the not so distant recesses of my mind and just stews. Not very helpful or productive… or anything much really. It just is.

The second MRI was a joke. Stable appearance… fuck off.

If it hasn’t grown… ha spelling almost got me… yeah that’s my reality now.

I’ve lost the remaining vision in my left eye… so that’s fun. Couldn’t tell for a few months, because of the mind altering pain, and because when you can’t see well out of one eye you kinda get used to a certain degree of blindness, but then May 16th happened and the vision died and then my brain was trying to make sense of the loss and light was behaving weirdly and I had to move my head to cross the damn road, which felt strange, but all the pieces took time to actually fit together and cement that my vision in my left eye has changed. So, that was determined in July.

So… vision loss… left side migraine like headaches that don’t respond to meds. Latest med to fail… propranolol. Somehow the pain spikes when I take it, settles a fraction and then I live at a 4-5. I think. Pain scales have no meaning anymore. I don’t know where I am because this has been my constant for the last 6 months… longer actually cause it’s December. Another week and we’ll be in 7 months territory.

I don’t want to. I’m beyond done. If I could curl up into a ball and just shut the world out I would.

How do you advocate for yourself when even your GP throws up his hands and denies you a second public health referral on the grounds they’d ask too many questions. WTF!?

So, now I’m counting down the mandatory wait times for a pre existing condition on private health and I hate that too.

And if the cyst hasn’t grown… he’s a random thought… fuck here’s… if the cyst is 36x21mm was it always that big? And if so… how much room did it take up in my tiny 830g 27 week premmie brain?

I’m obsessing, but these are the thoughts that actually don’t keep me up at night, but do creep in.

I shouldn’t be here. I’m lucky to be alive, I get that.

But this… this… if I go to a private neurologist and I’m given the diagnosis of some form of migraines I may scream the fucking place down… migraines don’t cause vision loss. I refuse to believe that I am a rare enough case that I’m like the 1% or whatever that actually lost my vision to fucked up migraines.

Migraines can/do cause neurological damage over time… I think. I’m clutching at straws… I really don’t think its migraines.

It’s hard to focus on getting answers when you’re battling the constant fear that you now have an expiry date. Yeah, I said it… I went there. Fear can be a powerful motivator… totally. Except in this case, all its doing is making me aware of every little thing I have done.

Anxiety sucks.

Depression is hell.

And if I had the ability to just drown in both… I would. Except I don’t because of the 101 other things I have to do.

So, now I just need to find a way forward, while the medical feild just fobs me off.

And maybe attempt another new medication in the meantime.

 

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