Background info can be found RIGHT HERE
It’s been seven days since my last post. God… I sound like a cliche.
Waiting on a neurosurgery appointment sucks. The public health system is horrible. It’s broken.
And my only recourse it seems is more waiting… 6 weeks since the ED… then 18 days of pushing for a damn MRI and then another 18 days since I discovered this cyst. Weirdly, it’s not the cyst that bothers me so much, it’s not knowing if the damn thing has changed or shifted in 40 years. It’s having constant headaches… because they don’t leave, they just sort of sit underneath the surface ignored until they peak. It’s the side effects of naprozen and tramadol.
It’s the numbness and tingling, its freezing in stressful situations and not being able to articulate at work what’s going on because I have to concentrate harder to process all the information and then regurgitate the information as I’ve gotten it.
And then there’s the compartmentalizing. I’m still floored by the fact that my GP told me to compartmentalize this latest bout of acute anxiety. Her words, not mine. As if I can put a band-aid over the worry and concern. Over the fear of the unknown. I’m not dying, but as an adult shoving shit into tiny boxes and ignoring it isn’t helpful.
I swear nobody wants to take me seriously. The: oh this could still be atypical migraines. Like is there something the GP is not telling me? Why would I make up not knowing about a cyst that I have likely had since birth?
Why would I want to revisit being born at 27 weeks if I didn’t have to? If it wasn’t medically necessary to separate what is normal to what is not normal? But that’s okay, let’s ignore the numbness and tingling shall we? No, because while my left side might have been weak, there was no numbness or tingling.
And I certainly wasn’t as aware of the loss of vision in my left eye as I am right now, and that scares me a little. But, I’ve never seen very well out of it to begin with so it’s hard to say with certainty if there is a change, which is annoying to say the least.
So, what do I do, while life keeps moving on around me… Iron Faerie… God, why did I think it was a good idea to try and continue that endeavour? Oh, wait… because it wasn’t hard nor stressful until it got hard and stressful.
I don’t get the medical profession honestly. You wouldn’t make someone with a broken leg try so hard to get medical attention. Why am I having to fight so hard. What lesson is there in it? I’m bloody tired of fighting. I’m tired of being strong. But I think I’ve said this before. Even so, it’s still true.
Until the next time, my anxiety or depression get the better of me. Pray they don’t. Because I’m not sure how much more of this I can take honestly.
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