Background info can be found RIGHT HERE
If you know the song… kudos. If you know me in real life… even better. Learning the hard way lately that I don’t breathe enough in all the things.
Which is ironic because of how I came into the world. Early and in a rush… apparently.
I’ve been sitting the last few days having no choice but to reflect on everything. Because everything is tied up in a messy little bow… everything is linked and I still hate it. All the hate.
All the anger.
It hit me yesterday, that’s what all of this is. It’s anger at everything and everyone. It’s all the feelings that the teenage me was able to say: STOP to… but the adult me for whatever reason… can’t.
So, was I better at dealing with shit then than I am now, or was I just so overwhelmed with life that it just became normal?
So much in my childhood wasn’t normal, but that was life and we just got on with it. And weirdly that’s not what bothers me… okay maybe a little because I’m overwhelmed by everything that happened to land me here, and I’m revisiting stuff and when a large part of it is tied to the one person whose been dead for coming up sixteen years what else is there but anger?
I can’t talk to her. I can move on from my feelings surrounding the way she dealt with it. I mean I can but at the moment, how the fuck do I get closure from a dead person. She didn’t let go. And that’s okay I guess, but now in order to deal and cope, I’m having to breathe and maybe I just don’t want to and that’s sorta scary.
So if all of this now is past trauma and grief and fear of the unknown and all the dark and twisty bullshit that I usually reserve for characters in the books I write… how the hell do I unravel it? Can I even?
I’d always viewed it as a kid as beyond my control. I was born 12 weeks early… didn’t find out it was even 13 weeks early until my daughter was born in 2007… didn’t even consider the genetic link until sometime in 2009. But it’s there.
And it still is. But… I’m symptomatic. I’ve found recently I hate taking pills. The lower back pain and the hip dysplasia and the bursitis… it’s weirdly taken a backseat. Even though I should be dealing with physio because surgery is needed on the hip. But the rock keeps moving. Life keeps moving.
And that’s the problem. Everything is moving and I need time to catch up and I can’t. I don’t have time.
So, how do I fix the mind numbing wait for neuro and the silence? Well psych suggested keeping busy, which I’ve caught onto already. But sleep is much more enticing. So is alcohol but I’m quite deliberately staying away from that. Thanks Mum.
So, it’s music and blogging and binging TV and existing but not existing at the same time… it’s the quiet that gets me… those moments between calls at work… I’ve noticed a shift in things there. Funny how all this is having a flow on effect at work, because the customer service voice I’ve adopted is usually really upbeat and perky.
Guess the masks are coming off… not sure how I feel about that.
I don’t like this level of vulnerability. It’s almost too much in and of itself.
Usually when life craps out it’s because of things others are doing.
This… coming from within… living with it… trying to deal is just hard. It’s icky and I hate the anger but it appears I skipped over denial and went straight to the second stage… oh wait… no I did have a moment of denial… in the wait and frustration leading up to being told about the damned cyst.
I wished it was just a migraine. Yep. Awesome.
So… over it, and I’m not even past it.
Thanks universe. You can fuck off now.
